When the internet was invented by pilgrims in 1996 to sell beanie babies and GIFs of things that had less than three movements, no one could have predicted how far we'd come. Today you can watch movies, insult the stars of those movies, and get sued by those stars for insulting them. Plus the president is online when he should be working sooooo much. But there's a seedy underbelly to the internet. No, I don't mean porn. Porn is the upper belly. It's the back, really. And porn hasn't surprised anyone on the internet since 1926. No, what I'm talking about is ancillary to porn, a sidestep from perversion and a slight detour from kink. It's the internet's curious ability to organize gross filth, and by gross filth I mean gross people, into a functioning unit of weirdos who do objectionable things as a group. And they do it in greater numbers than seems entirely comforting.
In August 2014, hundreds of photos of celebrities, many of them nude and bulbous, were stolen and put online. The photos were hacked, they were private, and most of the celebrities involved expressed some serious disgust about what had happened. There were legal repercussions and a number of sites refused to show the pictures only after a public stink was raised. If you were online the day it happened, though, you may remember that people were going whole hog on that thing. Few sites, the kind that are willing to post nude photos of celebrities on any normal day at least, were pretending to have a moral stance on the issue.
No one can know how many people saw those images, how many hard drives they're saved on even today, but you can bet your ass the number is in the very high thousands. These pics went across 4chan and Reddit and hit entertainment news sites before anyone spoke out, so if someone wanted to see them, they saw them. And they called it "The Fappening."
That this event was of such significance mainstream media was forced to use a term that basically indicates some kind of upper-echelon, top-tier masturbatory spunk rally is almost baffling. Almost. But it does indicate how massive, how extensive, and disturbingly vast this network of celeb whackers must have been. This literally was a happening. With fapping.
When, where, and how else in mankind's history could such a disturbing invasion of privacy with a follow-up wank celebration ever occur? And how is it that such a thing can gain such mainstream acceptance? That we all saw this occurring and said "oh yeah, lots of mega masturbators on the ol' internet." Obviously we didn't all support it, many people viewed it as a huge invasion of privacy and rightly so, but we weren't surprised by it. And shouldn't we be? Imagine you're Jennifer Lawrence. You're trying to be an X-Man, you don't want people to pay too close attention to the plot of Passengers, and one day your nude photos are in the hands of every dentist whose upper lip was just a little too sweaty when he made you open your mouth so he could suck your spit out. That is super fucked up. To know thousands of people have seen you naked and, in celebration of this invasion, they refer to it with a cute portmanteau that reaffirms that they mashed their penises a few times with you in mind.
But as weird as that thought is, it's not even as bizarre as...
Celebrity Nude Fakers
Celebrity Nude Fakers
You'll get literally millions of results if you Google "fake celebrity nude pics" because we live in a world where fake celebrity nude pics is a thing millions of people want to see while they slowly squeeze the life from their genitals in a room that's dimly lit and about five degrees too hot. I have to assume, if you've been online before, you're at least familiar with this concept. But if not, and if you haven't looked too deeply into it, you're probably not aware of just how insane this bizarre subculture of porn is.
Fakers, people who clearly spend an extensive amount of time Photoshopping the heads of celebrities onto the bodies of nekkid folks riding unicycles and canning preserves and such, are about as prolific as bunnies putting the hump on each other. And it's not just an unseemly, underground thing -- fakers take pride in their work. They sign their pieces so you can follow their work like any artist, only in this case instead of the way they blend colors in a sunset it's in the convincing way they've made Bea Arthur look like she's really running a train on those Stuckey's employees.
On the one hand you may think this isn't a big deal, just people playing with Photoshop and it's not like we're actually stealing photos from real celebrities. On the other hand -- super creepy, dude. Imagine how utterly serial killery you'd be if you just took pictures of someone you knew and put them on different bodies. You know that cliche joke of someone taking a pic of a person they have a crush on and adding themselves into that photo? This is on par with that, only without the sentiment and about a handful of extra crass shitheelery tossed in for garnish.
Can you even imagine how you'd feel if you had to live with the knowledge that there are literally thousands and thousands of pictures of you on the internet depicting you with a ding dong up your backside? That's what happens to actors like Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Lawrence. Just picture that terrible moment when you give into Googling yourself and that's the shit you come up with. Then the slow boil realization that this also means a healthy portion of those millions of consumers of these images are jacking it to them. Do you want to know someone is jacking it to a fake photo of you with a banana in your ass while you ride a Macy's parade float?
Millionaires Bidding On Virginity Auctions
Millionaires Bidding On Virginity Auctions
Every so often the news will share the delightfully off-putting story of a girl (because it's never a dude) who is going to auction off her virginity on the internet. Is it worth anything? In March 2017 an 18-year-old Romanian sold hers for about $2.5 million. Of course verifying that any of these things is real is a little tricky since the price tag doesn't tend to include a documentary filmmaker to ensure it happens or a doctor to ensure she's a real virgin, but none of that actually matters. What is more interesting is that it's common enough in our world that it now has its own Wikipedia page with 15 entries, not including this latest one. Some were hoaxes, some never completed. That's also not what matters. What does matter, what is most interesting and "please don't make eye contact with me" bizarre about these are the bidders. People are willing to pony up dough, millions in fact, to be the first to have sex with a virgin. Is there a word that implies both a question and revulsion at the same time? Wheeyuch? Is Wheeyuch a word?
Conquering a virgin is kind of a sexual trope, if such a thing exists, and surely something everyone is familiar with. There's a weird obsession in pop culture with the idea of a virgin reaching an age where she can be un-virginated. Remember those countdowns people had back in the day leading up to Britney Spears' 18th birthday? Or the Olsen Twins? Or Emma Watson? Because once they hit 18 they were surely eager to round up all the degenerates who had been masturbating over 17-year-olds and bang them. But that aside, did you ever really stop to appreciate how desperate some dudes are to have sex with a virgin? $2.5 million desperate? That's fuckin' weird, right?
Some people are going to frown on sex work in general. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with anyone buying or selling sex so long as both parties are in control and not abusive or abused in any way. Why not? You can get a personal trainer, a masseuse, a therapist, a dance instructor, or any other manner of people who offer you a service that is basically just you paying for a skill they physically have to offer you, why not someone who offers blowjobs? But there comes a time when paying a personal trainer $3 million because they've never personally trained anyone before you becomes a little ridiculous and crosses into what the fuckery.
Prior to the internet, if you wanted to have sex with a virgin you probably had to date that virgin during high school and then awkwardly muddle your squidbillies together in the back of your car away from the streetlights on a Friday night. Even a millionaire would have had to meet one the old-fashioned way, by lurking around college bars or placing classified ads. So thank technology for exposing the dollar value of creepy sexual obsessions.
Dick Pics. So. Many. Dick Pics.
Dick Pics. So. Many. Dick Pics.
Do you have a dink? Based on anecdotal evidence, if you do, there's a good chance you've shown it to someone on the internet. Likewise, if you don't have a dink (or even if you do and just catch the fancy of someone else with a dink) there's a fairly substantial chance you've seen someone else's dink whether you wanted to or not.
By 2020, one out of every five bytes of data will contain a piece of someone's penis .
The internet is awash in dinkies. Every dude with a camera and a ballbag seems to be taken by the momentary belief that probably someone wants to see their steak and giblets. And I'll be perfectly honest, I would never do something so crass. Except for those several times I did. But each time I was 90 percent sure the receiving party was OK with it, because I am a gentleman. But a healthy portion of my fellow wang hangers have taken it upon themselves to simply presume other people want to see their jizz whistles. People like Anthony Weiner, Usher, Brett Favre, Drake, Chris Brown, and countless others. And those are just the famous people. Heh heh heh... Anthony Weiner.
Now not every celebrity wang leaked on purpose (snarf! Good one) but they still took pics of their danglers and that's enough. You have a pic of your tube worm, it's on a device connected to the internet, you took it to show someone, it's not like it was going to be your Christmas card image this year, you should have figured this was coming.
Three in a row!
As for us non-Hollywood elites, survey results indicate 47 percent of men have sent dick pics and 53 percent of women have received them, while 49 percent didn't ask for it. That's a lot of unsolicited weiner. Imagine if you're at a BBQ and 20 guys hand you hot dogs you never wanted to eat in the first place. You'd be up to your ass in plonker in no time.
The sending of dick pics online is about as predictable as new memes every week and Honest Trailers ripping apart your favorite movie. It's ubiquitous. Worse, it's udickuitous. It's not even a surprise. There are articles about it on countless websites, discussing the etiquette of it, the prevalence, ranking the celebrity dicks and offering advice on why you should stop sending them. But no one does. The spice must flow and so too must the dick pics. Even if you walk without rhythm you'll still attract these worms, especially from guys who use extended Dune metaphors. Thanks to the internet, men have evolved to a place where they're desperately afraid you won't believe they have a functioning pork constrictor unless they snap off a few candids and text them to you while you're at work.
"What? You should be flattered I got a boner for you. Even though I frequently get boners for no reason at all."
Is this the way humanity should be going? I'm no tour guide, I don't know. All I know is, when you have access to a fairly powerful camera that can also send pictures across the planet in seconds, sometimes that voice that would have stopped you from using a camera with film in it, then driving to the one-hour photo to have the pics developed before slapping them in an envelope and mailing them across the country can't quite catch up with what your fingers and your doodlebop are planning behind your brain's back.